Hopelessly In Love with a Bad Situation

November 3, 2001 I was married to the love of my life. We were so incredibly happy. We built a nice house in a family neighborhood and we were living the good life. A year later we found out we were pregnant. I absolutely loved being pregnant. It was the best feeling in the world knowing that this life was growing inside me. If I could be pregnant for the rest of my life, I think I would! Isabella was born June 23, 2003. She was perfect and from there we started our family. About a year later, I became very ill to later be diagnosed with Endometriosis. After two surgeries and a chemo like treatment we chose to have a hysterectomy. At 26 years old I was stripped of my ability to have any more children! It was very hard on me but I knew it was in the best interest of everyone involved. Since Isabella was born I was not the mother I should have been because I was in so much pain all the time and my body was attacking itself. While all of this was going on, my husband began drinking like never before. In the time I needed him most, the man of my dreams was becoming a monster! Due to his drinking he lost his job of 10 years. This is not the man I married at all. I dealt with it the best I could. I had surgery in March of 2007 and began healing. I was out of work for 8 weeks and was wrongfully terminated during that time. So, here we were, both without jobs, me still recovering from surgery and him not wanting to find work, just drink. There would be times when Isabella and I would come home and find him passed out on the garage floor with a puddle of blood from his head where he had hit his head on a table, or he would fall over the furniture. He was not a husband or a father. I decided I could not raise my daughter in this type of situation. It was the hardest decision I have ever made but I asked him to leave. I still loved (and do love) this man but have to do what is best for Isabella and I. So, May 23, 2007 (his 30th birthday), enough was enough and he left for good never to return. Now here was this man who used to adore me and his little girl that doesn’t care about anything else but drinking. Honestly, I really hoped that he would realize he needed to quit drinking and do what he needed to do and come back. It didn’t happen like that. Let me add that he went to rehab while I was sick and was sober for 60 days. I supported him 100% even going to most of his AA meetings with him. I did everything I knew to do to help him. But realized I can’t help him until he wants to help himself. Anyways, here I am over a year later and I’m still holding on to hope. Hope that he will change, hope that the man I married will come back to me. I am fooling myself and it hurts worse than anything I have ever experienced. He is a total different person. He claims to love me but I can’t help thinking “actions speak louder than words!” I can say a year and a half after my last surgery, I feel physically great. I am now the type of mother I should have been all along as far as physically being able. I know I’m all over the board here but I guess I’m writing this because last night my daughter laid in bed crying because she misses her daddy. She knows why we can’t be with him but she loves him. It breaks my heart and I’m terrified that she is going to hate me for this later on because she doesn’t know the extent of the situation. It is heartbreaking. I have fought tooth and nail for my marriage but I can’t fight it alone. I’m sure I will write more on the all of this I’m sure but my nerves are torn all to pieces and just needed to get some of this out there. I'm now thinking I need to go ahead and file for divorce and start moving on. This is so hard! Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

Hopelessly in Love with a Bad situation,
Xo,
Tina